Silence and Imperfection

I usually have about 3-4 "big" topics constantly running a dialogue in my head...here is this week's excerpt:

Analysis -- I recently had one of my "go to for honesty friends" express how much I over analyze things. I asked some questions about myself wanting a different and honest perspective and the response was "I think you overdo the analysis some times." I so appreciate how this person can be a mirror for me...not always easy to take...but I asked for it. So, I kind of mentally scoffed "duh!" of course I over analyze things. Then I also mentally got on my high horse with a running commentary of 'why are we here but to examine ourselves' etc... Well... then I had a perfect example present itself of where I needed to just accept what is for what is instead of seeking some hidden meaning behind this...I shared this with my friend to give them the kudos they deserve...I also got an "I told you so" -- but I expected it.

Imperfection -- Now, I don't know if it's a unique thing to those with September birthdays...I have examples to support this. But, I tend to be a perfectionist....not the "Monica-esque" perfectionist, but the mental perfection that constantly berates because I never quite measure up to my internal ideal. So I'm a perfectionist that lacks perfection and then makes myself feel bad about it! So, I am aware of this about myself...but it's not easy to let go of this tendency. So...my wonderful father, who retired in June, has been coming over a few times a week to let me get a little walk in. On one of these walks something amazing caught my eye....see picture.

My guess is that this leaf is "flawed" because it didn't receive enough sunlight or a low amount of chlorophyll or something. But the way the one side curves to almost protect the "weaker" side...is amazing. And the two colors, so different in this one leaf....Truly beautiful. I decided to bring it home and show Olivia. Then I thought...."Why can't I see the physical or emotional flaws in myself (and others) as THIS beautiful!?!"

Silence -- I find myself constantly "seeking" some moments of peace. Peace and quiet, a moment of peace, a moment to think, a moment to breathe, a moment to eat in peace, just a moment, peace of mind,....a "piece" of time for ME! I seek this as if it were some destination...some final resting place or reward that I deserve. And then I came across this writing of Thomas Merton. "The true contemplative is not one who prepares his mind for a particular message that he wants or expects to hear, but is one who remains empty because he knows that he can never expect to anticipate the words that will transform his darkness into light. He does not even anticipate a special kind of transformation. He does not demand light instead of darkness. He waits on the Word Of God in silence, and , when he is "answered," it is not so much by a word that bursts into his silence. It is by his silence itself, suddenly, inexplicably revealing itself to him as a word of great power, full of the voice of God."

Yesterday I had an unusual moment of being in my home alone...I stood there not knowing what to do with myself. I could work...there is always work to do. But I ended up going into the back yard, sitting on the swing, and did....nothing. It only lasted about 2 minutes....but it was full and complete. So in that moment....I got it. I could hear "Be still and know that I am God" sung and played by Diane reverberating through my brain. There IS always a moment of peace...it's right here...it's always with me....it's that moment somewhere in between the breathing out and the breathing in. And it's always available to me here on this journey...not some place to "get" but some place to REMEMBER.

So Analysis IS one of my Flaws and there are times that it serves me well and there are times it doesn't serve me well...but it's in that Silent moment between breaths that I must Remember the beauty that is God...the beauty that is Me.